Free yourself from the shackles of people-pleasing

Osasikemwen Ighile
3 min readAug 4, 2024

--

There was a time when I mistook my inability to say “no” for kindness. I thought bending over backward to accommodate others’ wishes and neglecting my own needs was an act of generosity. But in truth, it was a sign of something far less virtuous: people-pleasing. This realization was one that led me to understand the profound difference between being kind and being a people pleaser, and how the latter can slowly erode your sense of self.

At its core, kindness is a genuine concern for others’ well-being. It’s an intrinsic quality that doesn’t seek validation or approval. Acts of kindness stem from a place of empathy and compassion, enriching both the giver and the receiver. When you’re kind, your actions are guided by a sense of balance; you understand that your well-being is as important as that of others.

People-pleasing, on the other hand, is a behavioural pattern rooted in a desire for acceptance and fear of rejection. It often involves self-sacrifice to gain approval, leading to resentment and burnout. While it may seem like kindness on the surface, it is fundamentally different because it lacks sincerity and often leaves the pleaser feeling drained and unappreciated.

For years, I found it challenging to assert myself. I would say “yes” to requests that stretched me thin, convinced that declining would make me seem uncaring or unkind. I took on more than I could handle, constantly seeking validation from those around me. This relentless pursuit of approval came at a high cost: my mental and emotional health.

People-pleasing can lead to a cycle of anxiety and stress. The constant need to meet others’ expectations creates pressure, resulting in feelings of inadequacy when those expectations are not met. It can also damage relationships, as people-pleasers often suppress their true feelings, leading to inauthentic connections.

Recognizing the need to change is the first step. To be truly kind to others, one must first be kind to oneself. This also means learning to set boundaries and being firm in decisions.

Setting boundaries was not easy. It required me to confront my fears of rejection and disappointment. I had to reframe my thinking and understand that saying “no” did not make me a bad person. Instead, it was a way of respecting my limits and ensuring that I could give my best when I chose to say “yes.”

I started small, practicing assertiveness in low-stakes situations. Gradually, I became more comfortable with expressing my needs and preferences. I found that most people respected my boundaries and, more importantly, I began to respect myself. For the ones who didn’t, I told myself that it’s okay for them to not be a part of my life, and moved on.

I no longer feel the need to overextend myself to be liked or accepted. Instead, I focus on being genuinely kind, offering my help and support when I am truly able and willing.

This shift has also had a positive impact on my mental health. I am less stressed and anxious, and I have more energy to devote to the things that matter most to me. By prioritizing my well-being, I am better equipped to be there for others in a meaningful way.

Kindness is not about sacrificing oneself for others; it’s about finding a balance that allows for giving without compromising well-being. Embracing the power of firm decisions and healthy boundaries reveals that it is possible to be kind without being a doormat, compassionate without being exploited, and generous without losing oneself in the process.

--

--

Osasikemwen Ighile
Osasikemwen Ighile

Written by Osasikemwen Ighile

In the midst of life’s chaos, I find solace in the quiet moments of introspection and reflection.

Responses (1)